This is my journal, my thoughts and my problems and my shit goes in here. If you dont like what i have to say then say something about it, but if you say shit about how I'm stupid for feeling the way i feel, dont expect a friendly message back.

I'm an addict. understanding what an addiction is and what addiction feels like are two very different things. Addiction is a serious problem that can cause you to hurt the ones around you and you may realize that your hurting them or not, but when you realize your in trouble and even seeing that your hurting them isnt enough for you to stop, then thats when you know your fucked. Thats when it starts to hurt you. Officially Addicted.

So you set down for hours, upon hours thinking up solution, other then rehab. Your mind is racing and spinning, and your body is aching and shacking and your getting emotional wishing someone will just hold you, when you know someone is there but you cant say anything to blow your "i'm ok" cover.

Rehab run, and run, through your head but you run from it. only because you know that if you go to someone to talk to about your problems or go to rehab without truely wanting the change, it will not work, and not only that but if you do go unsure of what you want, then when you make your mind up to relapse, you find out lost those old connections that you were close too, just because you didnt tell them you had a problems before, and they dont sell to junkies, or they must have got caught. then what do you do? Go to something bigger, better, and stronger, and always more money...

so what do you do when all you think about is 1. your next fix, 2. the next most important thing in your life... not hurting the ones you love. which for me would be nathan.

I dont wanna stop...

and I wont stop... saddly

but it's killing me... not litterally but it might as well...

and i'm scared to tell anyone thats why no one knows.

but shouldnt the ones who love you, and that really care for you be able to notice??

no!...not always

they dont notice at all...

they also dont notice that not only do i do it because i cant stop, but i do it because of them...

the constant fight and bickering, and hate they display to eachother. the inhumanity. insanity. corupting the minds of their little ones, i'm ashamed actualy... to think i've been born from them. although my mother is a different story.... I'm not saying i hate them... I just cant stand them like this, and when i am on some kind of drug it makes it so much more easier for me to drownd them out... and drownd out all the shit the talk down to me about...

drugs have been in my family all my life and beyond, drugs feel good to me. I dont like smoking pot with people i like it alone, and any drug for that matter. which makes me an addict.

but now a days i dont think i can be left alone... isnt that sad...


I think too much and dream too high, i can't sit still, yet i can't move, i can't speak without spammering, and i feel like everyone has me at the balls and ready to pull at the next wrong thing i do.

I guess you'll never meet another mest up, fucked up, emotional, happy, crazy girl like me.

Everyone is changing me whether they wanna admit it or not but thats ok I probably need it...

(please forgive the mis spelling i'm heavilly medicated...)

Awesome Artist